Of Love and tears
by Odd romance
Summary: Several One shot. Please, read and review. MxN - REVISED
1. Forbidden taste

Disclaimer : I don't own Gakuen alice, but, I wish...

**_Genres : Romance, Drama. NxM_**

**_Odd romance_**

**_Title : I Love you more than my own Life_**

_Summary : Even thought he was so far, even though she didn't even know if he was alive or not, her love never ended and her wishes were the same for one whole year : To see him._

* * *

The moon shone in all its light and beauty. The leaves of the trees seemed even more beautiful when the moon touched them lightly with her light. Bird song can be heard in the night, songs of birds with a delicate tone. The weather was a bit cold. It was late and everyone was almost asleep. Around the Academy, no sound would have awakened the students who were all very sleepy. All, except one.

She was alone in the middle of a forest that seemed to be the northern forest. She looked straight ahead and seemed to be waiting for someone. Her eyes looked empty and lifeless, like the eyes of someone without a soul. Not a single tear flowed from her eyes, but you could tell she was trying to suppress her feeling.

She thought of her past, where the sweet innocence and fairy tales were everyone dream. Where anything could make her happy, when everything was enough to surprise her, she was amazed to little thing : soap bubbles, a rainbow, Santa Claus ... When you grow up, it was increasingly difficult to find the path that brings us back to those magical moments, these moments of joy.

"_At midnight, it will be one year,_" she thoughts, mournfully blowing. _"One year that we didn't see each other, a year since my heart bleeds for you._ "

She gazed at the moon, but soon her thoughts turned again to this unique person.

_Natsume Hyuuga. _

He haunts her day and night, hour and minute, and second even. He never left her thoughts, and it made her even sadder.

**_Flash back, One year ago _**

_We were in class, some were listening, other sending short messages, some were sleeping and the few students left were listening carefully to every word the teacher was saying. But someone was missing. _

_Natsume Hyuuga. _

_It was regular for the other, he was often absent, nobody was worried and nobody cared. At least, almost. Two people cared enough for him. Natsume never cut class without notifying his friends. Or at least one person. Ruka, Natsume's best friend, looked at his neighbor and asked her quietly if she know anything about this. She shook her head and both looked at each other thinking the same thing at the same time and the same person. _

_"Where is he?" _

_At the end of the class, a student stood up and started to run toward a tree, a tree like the others, but which for her has so much meaning. This tree kept the memories she has with this particular person, with this unique and irreplaceable person. _

_Natsume Hyuuga. _

_She found with relief that he was indeed there. She timidly approached him and sat beside him. He turned and stared at her with his deep red eyes, and Mikan found herself observing him, She would always let her eyes roam around the classroom, but it would always land on him in the end, taking in every detail of his face, from the way his messy black hair fell to the way his deep red eyes would soften when he thought no one was looking. His eyes had always amazed her; she had never seen anyone with such eyes before. Such beautiful eyes...But today, she find a glimmer in the depths of his two intense pupils but she couldn't found out what it was. _

_Hurt? Despair? Agony? Or maybe, just maybe, fear _

_She didn't understand his silent sentence. _

_"Is that true?"He snapped suddenly. _

_"Wha-what?" She replied. _

_"You ... You've really encouraged her?"_

_"I... I don't understand..." _

_"Permy (Sumire), 'your friend' did you really encouraged her to confess her 'love' for me?" _

_"I... Yes... " she replied, ashamed. She wanted to refuse to help her, but she couldn't. Her love for him would have been too obvious and it would have hurt Sumire. _

_"Hn." _

_He continued to watch her and then he raised his hand and stroked her cheek, Mikan could feel her heart thumping against her ribcage and then he stood up and walked away in the shadow of the northern forest. _

_"We'll meet again." He said before disappearing into the darkness. _

**_End of flash back _**

She never, ever thought that she could not see him again. Every day she looked out of the window wishing he was here unconsciously, every day she went to the famous Sakura tree. Where it all began and where everything ended.  
She regretted so much not to have confessed what she felt for him. If only she had known he would not return. If only ...

While thinking of the past, this time she couldn't hold back tears that seemed to burn her eyes. Yes it's true, she would love to say he was everything to her, that she would never forget him, she loves him as a him, not his look or fame, that she thinks of him day and night. To tell him that without him, she's nothing, and that all the moments she spent with him are wonderful, he's the only one she love so much. She wanted to tell him that he carries her into a wonderful world and makes it better; he brings a smile to life and makes her believe in the future. Tell him that with him everything is different; everything is magical, just like a dream, that it was he who taught her to love more than she had ever loved. Tell him how perfect he is. Tell him that her only desire is to make him happy and that her only fear is losing him. All that she wanted to tell him.

Can we describe love by words...? Can her feelings be described by words? No, surely not. Her feelings are far too intense, too strong, too deep and beautiful. Her heart can't even stand it.

"Don't think that one day my heart forget you ... It may stop beating, but not love you," She said to nobody in particular "I miss you greatly. I think my tears will never cease to flow; my throat will never cease to dry when I think of you... You're so close and yet so far. I don't know where you are today, yet I hope that you heard me. "

Her pain became more and more scale, injuring her heart.

* * *

Under the shadow of the night, nobody could see a lonely boy who had lit a fire in the palm of his hand as if to see the darkness in which he lives. The clouds form a crowd together as if they were trying to block all light to illuminate the darkness in which he is consumed. It quickly started to rain and raindrops began to fall on the young boy whose fire had been extinguished because of the humidity. He was upset, but did not move so far, the rain flowing down his face.

"One year, eh? An eternity... yes" He whispered, looking down.

One year, he was gone for one year, away from _her_, from the other... One year that his heart ache because of his feelings for _her_, he missed her dearly, her warmth, her smiles... He didn't want to leave, no, he never wanted to leave the place he occupied beside her. But this damn academy had not decided on its plans.

**_Flash back one year ago _**

_Natsume Hyuuga, Alias Black Cat or Kuro Neko, was running again from the devil, the devil that normal people would have called" Persona a heartless, sadistic and hateful man. This person was in "The list of people to kill by NH," and in the first place. _

_"Natsume, stop running away, you know very well that it's futile... " _

_Maybe it was futile, but never would he stop. It was much too risky. _

_"You can't get away, give up, I will explain what is your new mission..." _

_New mission? I just finished one! _

_"If you don't stop immediately, I'll say it to the administration and believe me... They will not be happy..." _

_Punish me, I don't give a damn! _

_"Or a new recruit would be nice... The little kitten for example?" _

_No! _

_"Oh ... You quickly changed your mind, Kuro Neko," said Persona smirking. "Well, your mission will be long, perilous and dangerous. But that, you know it right? You have one hour to gather the necessary. " _

**_End of Flash back _**

_"Mikan..." _He thought.

He uttered one word between two bitter sighs; he wanted to live like everyone else, without having to do those missions that kill him a little every day, without having to kill so many people, without having to make these horrible and painful tasks that led him away from his light, from her. He wanted to keep living without having to get away from her, it was as if the fate was against him. Life was unfair and he knew it, for worse, not the better.

He then remembered_ his_ little brunette. Her soft hazel eyes and her long brown hair tied in two pigtails. A beautiful smile which, whenever he laid his eyes on melted the ice that he had worked so hard for to build, she always acted so optimistic. He smiled at the thought of her childish underwear. And see her wear that made him laugh. This girl has pierced all his defenses, all the darkness in which he lived. He loved that girl. She was always kind to him. Him. The guy who was cruel to her since the first day he met her. The guy who made her life hard. He smiled, while his bangs covered his eyes as the rain made it even more wet and cold.

"Natsume!" called a female voice.

_"That voice is so sweet and intoxicating... I missed this annoying voice"_ thought Natsume.

He heard footsteps splashing in puddles near him. He turned his head to see the brunette who occupied his mind, his thoughts and his heart. He was surprised at first to see her, especially at this time and in rainy weather, she knelt beside him. Gently, he put a flick on his forehead and looked at her for the first time in a year with an annoyed look on his face.

"Oi, what are you doing here?"

"Natsume!" said Mikan pouting. "I saw the fire lit and... I immediately knew it was you so I came, but I did not know it was going to rain." _And even if I had known... I Wouldn't have stopped looking for you so far. _She thought.

"Baka," he said softly. He pulled her into an embrace, knowing that it was cold. Her body was fragile and can easily fall ill.

"Achooo!" Mikan sneezed.

"There, now you got a cold! Idiot!" Natsume growled.

"Hehehe" laughed Mikan nervously. "Ne ... Where were you, Natsume? Was it because of me?" She asked in a voice almost inaudible.

"...It was not because of you..."

"You... I missed you so much..."

"Hn... " _Me too_. he thought.

"Ne... Natsume?

"I'm sorry and... And... I... I love you! and since the beginning... I... You know, I helped Sumire because I didn't want others to find out about my feelings... If I had known you were going to-"

She couldn't finish her sentence, which was halted by a kiss, a contact between two mouths. A Contact between her and her love she believed lost.

His lips were cold and there was a bitter taste of blood mixed with chocolate. A forbidden taste, a small gesture that she wanted to be reality many times. And today, her illusions, her dreams, her fantasies became realities... This kiss was defended, yet it was their dream, their sole torment and their only hope. The brunette shuddered in contact with the hot hand of Natsume when he took hers to intertwine their fingers, as her heart keep beating furiously. She couldn't help it, her tears fall on its own and yet, she didn't mind it, they were tears of happiness. Love and passion mingled with their tender kiss, a budding romance, almost impossible... except for their hearts and it suited them perfectly.

Missing their breath, they broke away reluctantly and hugged each other in an embrace that neither of them dared to break. And that no one could break.

"Mikan... "

He just said one word. One. Yet he revealed so much, so much affection, so much love... All this, Mikan understood it. She did not need him to say "I love you too," His kiss and that one word proved to her everything he feels for her.  
Natsume smiled, knowing she would not see his expression. He kissed her forehead gently and he pulled her gently on his lap. Mikan blushed a little and snuggled against his chest leaning upon him as a soft pillow. A gentle smile formed on her face before her eyes shut and fell asleep. Somehow it stopped raining and the sun was now nearly out.

He was no longer afraid to walk in the darkness. Mikan changed his life forever and he is so grateful. As long as she was waiting on the other side of the road, he could walk on it every day.

The distance has not diminished their feelings; rather it made them stronger, more beautiful and more intense.

Knowing that we have no hope doesn't mean that we have to stop waiting.

* * *

_"Tsssk it's so obvious. You have this soft spot in his heart, his eyes soften every time he looks at you, and he gives you this gentle warmth that I cannot have. He thinks about you all day, every day. People think of him as unsociable and cold, but no, he is just in love, in love with a girl that he was prohibited to be with her, he was punished I don't know how many times and yet he always comes back to you, it's so obvious, Mikan, especially for someone like me who looks constantly at him. He loves you enough to die. Mikan " Said Sumire the day she confessed her feelings to Natsume. _

_"She is my sun, _  
_That illuminates my days, The spark that makes my darkness disappear. _  
_She took possession of my heart, _  
_I was warmed up, I was overwhelmed with happiness, _  
_she came to my heart so easily, _  
_To never get out. __Natsume H. " _

_"Saying 'I love you' _  
_is never enough. _  
_I need more, _  
_Much more, _  
_You must surely ask I what. _  
_Well it's simple, _  
_I just want you. Mikan S. " _

_"Frankly, _  
_there is no exact definition of Love _  
_each people has his own, _  
_For me, _  
_I find that Love is a set of feelings that lead to the destruction of the heart. _  
_So destroyed that it becomes a dust, _  
_A puzzle. _  
_And, when we try to pick up the pieces _  
_It often leads to his/her face, _  
_The face that never left our thoughts, _  
_Our dreams, _  
_And this is where we realize that Love is bullshit that we don't regret having felt it. _  
_We don't regret having met this someone even though it hurt us. _  
_Love cannot be controlled, Love doesn't have time and it may be fleeting as it maybe eternal. Miimàh-chan "_


	2. Endless Love

**_Disclaimer: I Don't Own Gakuen Alice. But, I own My fiction._**

**_Genres: Romance, tragedy. NxM_**

**_Title: Endless Love_**

_Summary : Love is endless, magic and it make your heart feel like heaven is everywhere. But, for those two, Heaven is not everywhere; it's at each other Side. NxM_

* * *

_ThoThoump-Thoump_

So far... Still to this day. No matter how hard I try, you're still far away.

I'm broken. Completely shattered. My heart is in pieces and each piece reflects my memories, those made with Natsume... But the old Natsume has gone, not completely but almost, it is hidden inside here somewhere, somewhere deep in my heart. Although, as far as I cling to those old memories, I sometimes feel that it was all a dream, that you never existed, and that all these moments with you that was pure illusion.

_ThoThoump-thoump_

I had a dream; we were running across a field together. The sun was shining, the sky was blue and the flowers were blooming. You've turned to me and gave me a smile. A real smile. So rare, so beautiful... Suddenly you're no longer by my side, the sun no longer shines, the sky is almost black and the flowers have faded. And you... you... you're gone. And I see you again, you run, you walk away from me and I try as best as I can to catch you, I'm hurt, but It don't mean that i will stop running, even if my legs are weak and my head spins. I will continue, fully aware that you run at a pace that I cannot follow. I swallow the bitterness while my tears fall on my face. Don't let me...

_ThoThoump-Thoump_

You've never looked back. But I continued to run. Desperate as I am, I will never stop running. I keep hoping that one day I could finally catch you. I can see your smiling face again, I can hear you call my name, so we can stay together under the sunlight once again...

_ThoThoump-thoump_

The magic, unbelievable and wonderful world that you presented to me disappeared quickly. Everything turned gray, all colors have disappeared. It's so dark, my mind is completely frozen by the temperature. Iced by the void you left me. You often say "I'm plunged into darkness while you, you shine under the light." it's wrong! Completely wrong! Without you, there is no light, there nothing left for me to shine under...

_ThoThoump-Thoump_

I closed my eyes, feeling the wind in my hair and your laughter rang through the air. You took me by the hand and my name slid from your lips. Then a figure appeared in the darkness and then nothing... I opened my eyes, blinking a few times adjusting to the light, and then I've seen you, I recognized you, your black hair, your blazing red eyes. And suddenly I was blinded, all I could see was you, I held out my hand, trying desperately to cling to you and when I've finally reached you, you've disappeared as quickly as you appeared; you were an illusion all along. But it was too late now, too late to go back. I want to see you, to feel you, to touch you... I am asking too much? I'm lost in the dark and you're no longer at my side, how can I imagine a life without you? I live for you. All I could do was keep running.

_ThoThoump-Thoump_

Without you nothing has meaning, nothing is beautiful, nothing is enough for my happiness, I want you near me, I want you to take my hand and intertwine our fingers, I want you to kiss me, to hold me...

"Mom! Why is that girl crying? Why does she has flowers?"

"Hush, my darling and do not point. I don't know why she is crying, maybe she has a wound at the bottom in her heart and it hurt her."

"And why doesn't she use a band-aids?"

"Because everything is not as simple as a bandage and a kiss for everything to go for the better..."

_ThoThoump-Thoump_

I run again and I'm getting closer, you're so close... You turn around and suddenly you look at me, an intense gaze, so strong and yet so cold, but I feel there is something in his eyes.

_Thoump-_

Love?

_ThoThoump-ThoThoump-ThoThoump_

Is this still an illusion created by my broken soul? Is this still a dream?

You come up to me, I feel it..., I feel the heat that you gave off coming closer to me...

_ThoThoump-Thoump_

Is it all over? Do I have finally caught up? Did my heart touched you? I find myself in front of you and I stop breathing, you're so beautiful... your gaze is warm but sad... You hold out your hand and you touch my cheek, it's you, you're real and you're by my side... I'm so happy, my heart is pounding and my tears flow, but this time, they are tears of joy. I hold you in my arm.

You're finally back...

_Thothoump -_

"Miss? Miss! Call the ambulance! She's not breathing!"


	3. Red eyed Boy

_Disclaimer: If Gakuen alice was mine, then Natsume hyuuga will be mine, unfortunately, It isn't..._

**Odd romance**

**_Title: Red eyed Boy._**

_Summary : Loneliness is her daily life feeling. But, then someday she wants to change. She wants to hope for a brighter future. A future with someone. __Someone that don't despite her._

* * *

People who say that they like to be alone have never been really alone. They don't know what exclusion means. They don't feel the cold and emptiness in which I'm surrounded and even in a crowd of people. People who say that surely has a lot of friends who will comfort them in the darkest days, someone to talk to when they want, someone to turn to when they need. Basically all I can't have. All I am deprived... Who knows what true happiness means? Even the saddest people always keep a memory or an illusion to keep living. To keep wishing that one day, they will find happiness.

And the time takes everything, like it or not. The time takes everything, erases everything and all that remains in the end, is darkness. Sometimes, in the darkness, you meet others people. And sometimes, at the heart of the darkness, you lose them again... And I do not want to live like this.

Everyone hate and despite me, I don't why, they just do, perhaps I'm just so ugly that they can't even look at me, or is it what I deserve? But, why I haven't done anything wrong.

As I was going to my class room, I keep looking down in hope that no one will stop me and beat me like always... I entered the class and walked stretch to my seat and said nothing despite the snide remarks from other students as "Hey, ugly, how are you?" Or "How do you feel when you're not the same as the others? Certainly very bad, I'm sure, huh? You _got to be_ feeling bad!"_ I want to run away_... I want to escape from this. I may be a coward, escaping like that but, how can I win against them? How can I reply to them when I'm all alone? They will surely kill me if I say sometime so better keep avoiding them.

**_._**

Finally I heard the ringing and it was then that I began to run away from them. With all my strength. Until my lungs explode, and even more.  
Nothing matters anymore. All I have to do is to keep Running.

_And do not stop._

I'm out of breath and my lungs hurt. I slide along a wall, unable to restrain anything more of myself. My mask fell. And even before I was completely down, I began to cry. I can't breathe and my sobs choke in my throat, letting small sound of hiccups of agony. My whole body shakes. It hurts. I felt like I'm drowning and yet it burns.

I want to be listened to, I want people to accept me, I want someone to notice me. It's always the same. All the time, day after day. For years, my smiling face fades away because of their hurting words. My heart ache because of them.  
I tell myself that deep down, somehow, I'm strong and that I'm like everyone, I'm human... Wrong. I'm not, I know very well. I don't need them to tell it to me constantly, I don't need them to hurt me every time ... I'm well aware of it, but I don't want things to remain like that. I don't want to keep suffering alone. I want something else. I want someone. Someone for me... Is that asking too much? I shake my little fists determined; I raise my head and look ahead. So what if I break my teeth. And what if it breaks the little that remains in me. I want sometime new, I want to be happy, to have someone to hold to. I want to hope for something else. Hope for a future that doesn't reflect today._ I want to expect something that'll my broken heart feel alive..._

So, I stood up and walked to the nearest person.

I know this someone heard me approach, but he doesn't seem to turn around. He doesn't seem to really care. And suddenly, I felt stupid. I want to backtrack, to act as if nothing had happened, to take my road of "_always_", all _alone_, because, it's less _frightening_. Because right now, I'm scared. But little by little, I came next to him. I can no longer turn around now. He's right there, just inches away from me and he still doesn't look at me.

And I throw myself into the water. Or more accurately, I skipped. My foot slipped, I lost my balance and I fell. I look really stupid like this... But he hasn't laughed at me. My eyes were still closed when I finally felt his body move and strangely he leaned toward me. I was surprised, will he hit me?

"Hey, polka dots, will you take my hand or what?" He said in a cold voice.

He was just... Just _helping_ me? I'm confused yet, deep down I can't help but be happy. I thought that he was going to hit me and hate me like the other. I held out my hand, hesitating a little and I catch his. I was going to stand up but I was thrown against him. Against his chest. I blushed. I backed away, to look at him and, I was surprised to found two beautiful red eyes. That's the first time I see someone with such eyes. They were shining, and after what seem like a long time I snapped, thanking him and then begun to run away. Hiding my blush and my_ little_ smile.

_Maybe_, Just _Maybe_, we will meet again? But, I'm an idiot! I didn't ask his name! Well, _Red-eyed boy_, I hope that we'll meet again...

Wait.

_Polka dots_?


	4. I wonder

_Ðł₰__Ͼ__Ł__ἇ__łM__ἕ__R_ : _" I dont own gakuen alice only Higuchi Tachibana own it, but I own my fiction. "_

**_Odd romance_**

**_Title : I wonder_**

_Summary : I always wondered why my heart was beating so fast around you, why I find myself blushing at the mere thoughts of you, why you became so much for me and how you healed My soul. __[Natsume's POV ]_

**_Enjoy._**

* * *

I always watched you, _always_, and every day, I see all your expressions. Happy, excited, angry, embarrassed, shy, mesmerized, confused...

I know them all, there all graved in my heart. And yet, I never get enough.

You're so close that I could grab you and get us away from this place… _Away_ from this _hell_. And yet… You're so far.

But then again, it's my fault as well. And I should be ashamed of myself.

I treat you so badly. I tease you, make fun of you. I embarrass you and I always act cold around you. But when I see that sad look on your face whenever I do such things, I regret it. But I keep doing it anyway.

_Why?_

Because, like this, you see me. You talk to me, And my heart seem to need it every day.

And I keep thinking, "_How can you love me?_"

How can you love someone like me? I'm an assassin, a murderer; someone that fate hate. I'm a monster that the school likes to use. I _hate_ this place but deep down, I can't help but like it sometime. Because, you're here and everywhere you are, my heart would be.

And I wonder, "_How can you be so happy? How can you found happiness in this place?_"

Then, I figured it out.

You share memories with your friend, you see things that no one even dared to see, you know the good point in life and you treasure it. You don't want people to see the pain in your eyes. And, sometimes I see this smile. This fake smile that you make every time your sad. And me, all I can do is to tease you to let you forget these sad things that you thought about. But deep down I want to hold you and make you reassured.

_I'm_ pathetic.

And yet…_ I love you_. So much that it hurt. But, it can't be healed right? My heart and my soul are broken. Broken because of those damn missions. Who want someone like me? _I'm completely shattered..._

Mikan, do you hear my heart calling for you? I need your warm hand to heal me, I need your smile to bring me to light, I need your love to keep living.

I _need_ you.

And sometime I wonder, "_How can I claim myself your boyfriend?_"

And when I open my eyes, I see you, sleeping beside me under the sakura tree and I stop thinking. Stop breathing. And I let my finger touch your face. Gently, as if you can die like a flower if I hold on you too much, I caress your cheek. Stroke your auburn hair and I sat up, leaning toward your red lips.

Red, like the cherry blossoms that always covered the ground in the spring, and every time I would look at it with sad eyes. My life would float on the wind just like the sakura petals.

I kissed you carefully, to not wake you up and closed my eyes again.

And then I wonder again, "_Now that you're no longer far away, will you take care of my heart despite his wounds?_"

He couldn't understand why he had pushed her away in the first place, and why he was now there, suddenly, bringing back memories that were better left in the past. He couldn't understand why he was crying. If even just a little.

And suddenly, it didn't matter anymore, because through all of his confusion, and all of those tears, Natsume realized that Mikan was crying too.

"I don't know why." Natsume's voice was soft, broken, and Mikan was surprised, because it's the first time she sees him like this.

"Maybe, my feeling for you saved me. Because, even after all these years, they're still the same."

And Mikan smiled at that, her vision still distorted with tears as she leaned forward him, closing the short distance between them and pressing her lips softly against Natsume's, whispering into his mouth, "I love you too." And Natsume kissed her.

It was a short kiss, deep and comforting, but to Natsume it was so much more. So much that he can't even compare it. And when they broke apart, Mikan turned her gaze downwards, a grin spreading across her features as she caught sight of a small red petal lying at their feet. She knelt slowly and picked it up, and held it out for Natsume to see. "It's beautiful, isn't it?"

Natsume smiled a little smile. "Yeah, it is"

As he look at her, he wondered, "_How deep are my feelings for you? __Maybe, they are immesurables."_


End file.
